Izzie in HolyLand – Part 13: A tough week

Ami Kaufman By Ami Kaufman August 13, 2010 | Edit

Sunday

The intercom buzzes outside of Izzie’s office in Jerusalem

Secretary: Yes, Ms. Holyland?

Izzie: Ruti, what’s on my schedule today?

Secretary: Ms. Holyland today you have to convince your cabinet to vote for deporting 400 children who were born in Israel, speak Hebrew with an Israeli accent, were educated here but were unfortunate to have slanted eyes.

Izzie: Gotcha. I’ll take care of it.

Secretary: Anything else, Ms. Holyland?

Izzie: No, that’s it. Oh, wait – did you tell the police I want that “el archive” or something demolished?

Secretary: El Arakiv?

Izzie: Yeah, that one.

Secretary: Yes, Ms. Holyland, they’re tearing down the homes of people who were there before the State was founded as we speak.

Izzie: Excellent. OK, gotta go. Can’t let those ministers wait too long! They get cranky…

Monday

Buzzzzzz!

Secretary: Yes, Ms. Holyland?

Izzie: Morning Ruti! So, whatta we got today?

Secretary: Today you’re pushing for the approval of the conversion bill.

Izzie: The one Avigdor and Yishai want?

Secretary: Yes, Ms. HolyLand. Problem is, the American Jewry isn’t too happy with it.

Izzie: Oh. OK. So, what should I do?

Secretary: Up to you. But opposing it could bring down your coalition.

Izzie: Ah, well… you shoulda said that before. It’s a no brainer. Tell Eli and Avigdor I’ll let ‘em have it. God, I love those clowns…

Secretary: Yes, Ms. HolyLand. They are pretty funny.

Izzie: Oh, and how’d that thing in el Dorado go yesterday?

Secretary: el Arakiv?

Izzie: It’s not Arakivo?

Secretary: No, it’s pronounced el Arakiv.

Izzie: OK. How’d it go?

Secretary: Well, it went well. Everything was demolished. But the people are building it up again with help from Jewish citizens.

Izzie: Really? Tell ‘em to go in there and tear it down again.

Secretary: Yes, Ms. HolyLand.

Tuesday

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Izzie: Ruti?

Secretary: Yes Ms Holyland?

Izzie: What do I do today?

Secretary: Today you’re testifying for the Turkel committee.

Izzie: The turtle committee? Ruti, are you stoned or something? And if so, why didn’t you offer me anything?

Secretary: No Ms. HolyLand. I’m sober. The Turkel Committee, the one investigating the Gaza Flotilla disaster. Do youhave your answers prepared?

Izzie: Yeah, I’ll be fine.

Secretary: What will you say?

Izzie: Basically that I bear full responsibility but I am in no way responsible.

Secretary: That may be problematic.

Izzie: Bite me. How’d things go in la bastillia yesterday?

Secretary: You mean el Arakiv?

Izzie: Whatever…

Secretary: They tore it down again, but they’re rebuilding once more.

Izzie: Jesus, what is UP with these people?! Tell them to tear it down again.

Secretary: Yes Ms. HolyLand.

Izzie in HolyLand - Part 13: A tough week

Wednesday

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Izzie: Ruti, you there?

Secretary: I’m always here, Ms. HolyLand.

Izzie: Ramadan Kareem, Ruti!

Secretary: Thank you Ms. HolyLand. But I’m Jewish.

Izzie: Of course you are, you think I’d let anyone endanger the demographics of a Jewish Prime Minister’s Office?

Secretary: Of course not, Ms. HolyLand.

Izzie: So, what’s on the menu today, Ruti? Get it? Menu? Ramadan? Get it?

Secretary: Yes Ms. HolyLand. Very sophisticated humor, Mam.

Izzie: Thanks, but I’ll keep my day job.

Secretary: Which today includes talks with Senator George Mitchell.

Izzie: Georgie boy?

Secretary: Yes, Ms. HolyLand.

Izzie: Oh, this is gonna be great. I love screwing with this guy’s brains. He’s all like “Hey, I brought peace to Ireland, look at me!”… Hehe, he cracks me up.

Secretary: Yes, Ms. HolyLand, he indeed is quite the character.

Izzie: So, I assume we’re all done with los alamitos, right?

Secretary: You mean el Arakiv?

Izzie: Fuck it, I give up. Yes.

Secretary: Well, they’re stubborn down there. They keep rebuilding what we tear down.

Izzie: Dammit! Why can’t we get this petty little job done already?! Alright, I want tanks in there tomorrow morning.

Secretary: Yes, Ms. HolyLand.

Izzie: Do it!

Secretary: Yes, Ms. HolyLand!

Thursday

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Izzie: Hey, Ruti honey…

Secretary: Hello Ms. Holyland. You sound happy…

Izzie: Well, you know. It’s Thursday, weekend’s here tomorrow.

Secretary: Well, you have an easy day today, Ms. HolyLand. You just have to go to the doctor to check out that infection in your foot.

Izzie: Yeah, that was nasty. You should have seen all the puss… yuck…

Secretary: That’s a bit too much information, Ms. HolyLand.

Izzie: Whatever. Speaking of information, what’s going on in los ruinos del bedouinos?

Secretary: El Arakiv?

Izzie: Yeah, el Ara-fuckin’-kiv. Whassup?

Secretary: Well, it looks like –

Izzie: God dammit Ruti!!!!! That’s it! I’ve had it! Send in the F-16s!!!! I want that place wiped off the face of the planet!!!!

Secretary: Mam, we can’t do that.

Izzie: Why not, they’re the enemy!!!!! They’re taking over the Negev!!!!!

Secretary: That’s not entirely correct, Ms. HolyLand….

Izzie: Oh yeah??? Why not??? You mean they’re not taking over the Negev?

Secretary: No… I mean you can’t call people who are Israeli citizens and serve in the army an “enemy”.

Izzie: Shit. I hate this job. Have a good weekend, Ruti.

Izzie in HolyLand - Part 13: A tough week

Ami Kaufman

Ami Kaufman was chief night editor for Haaretz, for the prominent Israeli financial daily Calcalist, and correspondent on Israeli affairs for 93.6 RAM FM, a joint Palestinian-Israel radio station. His interest in food and cooking led to culinary studies at the "Israeli CIA" (Tadmor, Herzliya) and a brief stint in the restaurant business. Born in Tel Aviv, Ami lives in Bat Yam with his wife and two daughters. In his spare time he blogs at Half & Half.

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