Izzie in HolyLand – Part 16: A phone call to remember

By Ami Kaufman November 16, 2010 | Edit

Izzie and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman are discussing strategies to continue obstructing the all but vanishing peace process, when suddenly the phone rings

Izzie: So listen, Avigdor, I’ve been thinking… I’m kinda spooked about this whole unilateral thing the Palestinians are planning. I mean, whaddya think, do they have a chance with the UN? Will Obama support a declaration of independence?

Avigdor: Nyet.

Izzie:…

Avigdor:….

Izzie: That’s it? “Nyet”? That’s all you have to say? I’m serious, Avigdor, we gotta be prepared for this, don’t you think you could you elaborate just a bit?

Avigdor: Nyet.

Izzie:….

Avigdor:…

Izzie:….

Avigdor:….

Izzie: I don’t know what it is, but I find you extremely attractive right now. Do you wanna –

Avigdor: Nyet.

Izzie:….

Avigdor:….

Izzie: OK. So, anyway,

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Izzie: Yeah Ruthie, what is it.

Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, President Obama is on the line, shall I transfer?

Izzie puts her hand on the receiver, whispers to Avigdor

Izzie: Holy shit Avigdor, it’s Barack! Should I tell him to hold?

Avigdor: Nyet.

Izzie:….

Avigdor:….

Izzie: OK listen, I’m getting tired of this laconic crap. I’m taking the call.

Hand off the receiver

Izzie: OK Ruthie, put him through.

Obama: Izzie?

Izzie: Baracky! How are you baby? I’ve missed you.

Obama: Ummm… me too. I’m OK, I guess.

Izzie: You sure? Cuz I heard you got whipped in the midterms.

Obama: Yeah, well –

Izzie: But hey, at least that O’Donnell gal didn’t get in, huh? I mean, look at the bright side. Boy,
she was a piece o’ work.

Obama: Yeah, well –

Izzie: So, I guess you’ll have to warm up a bit to the Republican guys, huh? I mean, only if you want to, right? I mean, you’re the Prez, after all…

Izzie winks at Avigdor. He remains frozen. She whispers to him

Izzie: Avigdor, loosen up for Christ’s sake. You’re like a dead man walkin’.

Obama: Izzie, are you talking to someone?

Izzie: No, no! Just mumbling something, sorry. Anyway Baracky, whassup?

Obama: Listen, Izzie, I’ve been thinking,

Izzie: Shoot.

Obama: About the whole freeze thing,

Izzie: Yeah, what of it?

Obama: Well, I was wondering if maybe you and I, you know, could maybe agree on something. I mean, I’m willing to help you out if you help me out, ya know?

Izzie: Hmmm…. sounds interesting… whadja have in mind Baracky?

Obama: Well, is there anything I can give you for, let’s say, a 3 month freeze?

Izzie: Nope.

Obama: Nothing?

Izzie: Of course not. I can’t be bribed. I can’t even believe you’d think that I would take anything from you just so I would stop building in the Holy Land of my forefathers. You got real chutzpah,
you know that Baracky?

Obama: Come on, Izzie, cut me some slack here. Ya gotta give me something. I’ll tell ya what, ask me for something and I’ll see if I can give it in exchange for 90 days.

Izzie opens her eyes wide and whispers to Avigdor

Izzie: Avigdor, he says I can ask for something in exchange for 90 days, got any ideas?

Avigdor: Nyet.

Izzie:….

Avigdor:….

Izzie:….

Avigdor:….

Izzie: Do you even breath or anything? Jesus….

Obama: Izzie? Are you sure you’re alone?

Izzie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just thinking…. ummm. First of all, I’d have to have it all in writing, OK?

Obama: Um, I guess. Why, you don’t trust me?

Izzie: Sure I do….

Izzie winks at Avigdor, and whispers

Izzie: Avigdor, can you believe this guy? Like I’d trust a guy named Hussein. C’mon….

Obama: So, Izzie, whaddya say….

Izzie: OK. Listen, first of all, I’ll do the freeze – but not in East Jerusalem.

Obama: Fine. You got it.

Izzie:….

Obama:….

Izzie: Did you just say “I got it”?

Obama: Yup.

Izzie whispers to Avigdor

Izzie: Holy crap, did you hear that?! He’s letting me build in East Jerusalem. Oh my God. Oh my
God.

Obama: Izzie?

Izzie: Yeah, I’m here. Just thanking G-d. Anyway, listen. I’ll do the freeze, but I want you to
promise me this will be the last time you ask me. Promise me.

Obama: I promise.

Izzie’s jaw drops. She stares at Avigdor, speechless, manages to whisper

Izzie: Avigdor, you’re not going to believe this. The president is stoned. I repeat. The president is stoned. I can ask for anything.

Avigdor doesn’t flinch

Obama: Anything else, Izzie?

Izzie: Ummm…. yeah. But, you’re OK, right?

Obama: Yeah, fine.

Izzie: Cool. Anyway, how about you promise me to veto any unilateral moves the Palestinians do in the UN.

Obama: Sure, no problem.

Izzie slams her fist on the desk. She’s panting, sweat dripping from her brow. She whispers to Avigdor

Izzie: Avigdor, you have to help me, he’s giving me everything for 90 days. I can’t do this much
longer, I feel weak.

Obama: Izzie? I think there’s someone there. Just tell me who it is.

Izzie: No no, I’m alone. Seriously.

She takes a big gulp, and speaks very slowly

Izzie: Baracky, I want you to promise me that during the negotiations, the issue of borders will be dealt with in the context of other cores issues. That it won’t become a separate issue.

Obama: Yeah, I can do that. Sure.

Izzie slams her fist twice. She can’t take it. She looks at Avigdor, her eyes pleading for help

Avigdor: Ask him to give you twenty F-35 fighter jets.

Izzie:….

Avigdor:…

Izzie: Avigdor, I can’t do that, he’ll –

Avigdor: Do it!

Izzie looks at his clear blue eyes, and feels attracted yet extremely terrified at once. She knows she has to do it

Izzie: Barack, you there?

Obama: Yeah, I am. You alright? You don’t sound so good.

Izzie: Ummm.. I’m OK…. Listen. One last thing.

Obama: Shoot.

Izzie: Ummmm…. I want twenty F-35 fighter jets.

Obama: OK.

Izzie: I said 20.

Obama: Yeah, I heard ya.

Izzie: For a 90 day freeze.

Obama: Yup.

Izzie: 20 jets, worth billions of dollars, and everything else I asked for, for 90 days.

Obama: Yup.

Izzie lifts her head and starts looking for the guy from the hidden camera show. She whispers his name: “Yehuda… Yehuda Barkan…. you can come out…. I got it….”

Obama: So Izzie, we got a deal?

Izzie’s slumped in her chair, Avigdor wiping her brow with a wet towel

Izzie: Yeah, yeah, just give me a sec.

Obama: OK, well, I’ll send over the paper and we’ll take it from there, OK?

Izzie: Sure, sure…

She hangs up, and looks at Avigdor

Izzie: Wow. That was amazing. Such a good deal…. I guess we’ll have to start the freeze, huh?

Avigdor: Nyet.

————————————

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TEST TEST GAL Our team has been devastated by the horrific events of this latest war. The world is reeling from Israel’s unprecedented onslaught on Gaza, inflicting mass devastation and death upon besieged Palestinians, as well as the atrocious attack and kidnappings by Hamas in Israel on October 7. Our hearts are with all the people and communities facing this violence. We are in an extraordinarily dangerous era in Israel-Palestine. The bloodshed has reached extreme levels of brutality and threatens to engulf the entire region. Emboldened settlers in the West Bank, backed by the army, are seizing the opportunity to intensify their attacks on Palestinians. The most far-right government in Israel’s history is ramping up its policing of dissent, using the cover of war to silence Palestinian citizens and left-wing Jews who object to its policies. This escalation has a very clear context, one that +972 has spent the past 14 years covering: Israeli society’s growing racism and militarism, entrenched occupation and apartheid, and a normalized siege on Gaza. We are well positioned to cover this perilous moment – but we need your help to do it. This terrible period will challenge the humanity of all of those working for a better future in this land. Palestinians and Israelis are already organizing and strategizing to put up the fight of their lives. Can we count on your support? +972 Magazine is a leading media voice of this movement, a desperately needed platform where Palestinian and Israeli journalists, activists, and thinkers can report on and analyze what is happening, guided by humanism, equality, and justice. Join us.

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