Izzie in HolyLand – Part 19: I love the smell of terror in the spring!

Ami Kaufman By Ami Kaufman March 24, 2011 | Edit
Ruthie, Izzie’s secretary, has the tough job of informing her boss about the explosion in Jerusalem
Izzie in HolyLand - Part 19: I love the smell of terror in the spring!
Site of the explosion (photo: Flickr / IsraelMFA)

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, I’ve got some bad news.

Izzie: What is it Ruthie? Did Bob Dylan cancel already?

Ruthie: No, Mam. The police just called. There’s been a bombing in Jerusalem, and one person has been killed.

Izzie: YES!!!!!!! I mean, SHIT! That’s horrible!

Ruthie: Mam, it kinda sounds like you’re happy…

Izzie: I’m sorry, Ruthie… Well, maybe I am, just a bit. Oh, this is wonderful news…. do you know how long I’ve been waiting for some terror?

Ruthie: Uhhmmm….No Mam…. how long have you been waiting?

Izzie: For at least two-three years! OH GOD, what a relief….! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like I just had an amazing massage, or one of those powerful enemas!

Ruthie: Mam, I’m not quite sure how this death and injury is good… By the way, the victim was a British national.

Izzie’s face lights up, but she doesn’t let the excitement reach her voice

Izzie: Oh Ruthie, of course it’s horrible. But you have to look at the whole picture, honey… Do you know how long I’ve been trying to stall the peace process? Do you know how hard that is?

Ruthie: I don’t, but I think you’re about to tell me…

Izzie: Oh my god Ruthie, it’s the worst. And lately it was starting to get really unbearable. I mean, first that whole unilateral declaration stuff at the UN this summer. I mean, can you imagine THAT happening with a new terror wave, or war in Gaza?

Ruthie: Yeah, I guess you have a point there…

Izzie: And then there was that call with Merkel, oh man. She really let me have it. So I told her I’d work on something, like a speech or a plan, I dunno… Anyway, I can drop that one now, right?

Ruthie: I suppose…

Izzie: Oh God, Ruthie, this is gorgeous. Gorgeous! You hear me? Gorgeous! I love the terror…. mmmm, that smell of fear. Oh, it makes things so much easier!

Ruthie: I don’t think I feel so good….

Izzie: And you know what’s best, honey? They shoot – we build!!!!! I mean, for the Fogels we’re gonna build 400 flats, right? Just think what we can do for all the people who will die when things REALLY escalate! We can do whole neighborhoods for every death, or how about a flat for each Kassam rocket! The options are endless…. Don’t ya just love the spring, Ruthie?

Ruthie: Mam, I think I should hang up now….

Izzie: And…. now… it’s….. springtime! For Bibi! And Israel!!!!!!!!!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K08akOt2kuo[/youtube]

Ami Kaufman

Ami Kaufman was chief night editor for Haaretz, for the prominent Israeli financial daily Calcalist, and correspondent on Israeli affairs for 93.6 RAM FM, a joint Palestinian-Israel radio station. His interest in food and cooking led to culinary studies at the "Israeli CIA" (Tadmor, Herzliya) and a brief stint in the restaurant business. Born in Tel Aviv, Ami lives in Bat Yam with his wife and two daughters. In his spare time he blogs at Half & Half.

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