Izzie in HolyLand – part 22: Spring cleaning in autumn?

Ami Kaufman By Ami Kaufman October 31, 2011 | Edit

After a six-month hiatus, Izzie’s back in town. And she’s well prepared. For any event.

Ring, ring!!!! (Actually, it happens to be the Pina Colada ringtone….)

Izzie: Yes?

Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, I’ve been trying to call you for weeks, where are you? The +972 readers are complaining, and the cellular company says your number is unavailable. Are you OK?

Izzie: Yeah, Ruthie. I’m fine. I’m in my mamad, that’s probably why there wasn’t any reception.

Ruthie: Mam, why are you in your mamad?

Izzie: Oh, no reason really. Spring cleaning, I guess.

Ruthie: But it’s autumn.

Izzie: Ruthie! Is there a specific reason you called me?!?! I’m busy!!

Ruthie: Yes, Ms. Holyland, sorry. There’s a call from the White House, I’m putting him through.

Obama: Hey Izzie.

Izzie: Baracky!!! How are you sweety pie?

Obama: Yeah, OK. Listen, I can’t hear you too well, are you on a cellphone?

Izzie: Yeah, I’m in my mamad. Sorry.

Obama: Your muhmad? What’s a muhmad?

Izzie: It’s pronounced mamad, Baracky. And I don’t have time to explain, just Google it. Or click on this.

Obama: OK. Anyway, I guess you heard about the UNESCO vote a few hours ago. Listen, I might not cancel American funding after all.

Izzie: What?

Obama: I said, “I might not cancel American funding to UNESCO after all”.

Izzie: What?

Obama: Izzie, could you step out of the muhmad a second and listen to me???

Izzie: I’m not in a friggin’ muhmad – it’s pronounced mamad, dammit!! And I heard you very well the first time!

Izzie takes out her other cellphone and begins texting away

Obama: Izzie, are you with me?

Izzie: Yea, just a sec…

Obama: What are you doing?

Izzie: Nothing, nothing. Just give me sec…

Obama:…

Izzie: OK, done.

Obama: Cool. So, anyway — wait, someone’s at the door.

Izzie whispers to herself: “I know Baracky, I know…”

Obama can be heard in the background: “Lee! How are ya? Come on in! Wait, watcha got there Lee? Lee, put the gun down. PUT! THE GUN! DOWN!”

Obama: Listen, Izzie, I gotta go. Lee Rosenberg from AIPAC just walked in.”

Izzie: Oh, really? Say hi from me, OK?

Obama: Yeah, yeah bye!

(Rosenberg in the background: “You listen, and you listen close you little freak. You’re gonna cut the funds to that anti-semitic UN bunch of hoodlums… or else”)

Izzie hangs up, smiling. Finishes up the cleaning. A few minutes later the phone rings again.

Izzie: Yea.

Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, it’s the White House again.

Izzie: Put him through.

Obama: Izzie?

Izzie: Baracky! You missed me baby honey bunch?

Obama: Ummm, sure Izzie.

Izzie: Good. Did everything work out with Lee?

Obama: Yea, yeah. You don’t have to worry about that UNESCO stuff, I’ll stop the cash flow.

Izzie: I know.

Obama: You know?

Izzie: I mean, I knew you’d be there for me munchkin.

Obama: Yeah, whatever. Listen, I looked up that mamad thing on Google. Is there something you wanna tell me?

Izzie: Me? Why? What?

Obama: I dunno, about Iran maybe? Something like that?

Izzie: Iran? Oh Baracky, don’t be silly!!!!

Obama:…

Izzie:….

Obama: OK… I’ll keep in touch.

Izzie: Bye Baracky!!!!

Izzie hangs up, looks at her clean mamad with great satisfaction, and calls Ruthie back

Izzie: Ruthie? Call Ehud. Tell him I’m ready.

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Miss Izzie? Don’t even know who she is? For more Izzie in HolyLand posts, press here

Ami Kaufman

Ami Kaufman was chief night editor for Haaretz, for the prominent Israeli financial daily Calcalist, and correspondent on Israeli affairs for 93.6 RAM FM, a joint Palestinian-Israel radio station. His interest in food and cooking led to culinary studies at the "Israeli CIA" (Tadmor, Herzliya) and a brief stint in the restaurant business. Born in Tel Aviv, Ami lives in Bat Yam with his wife and two daughters. In his spare time he blogs at Half & Half.

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