Izzie in HolyLand – Part 23: Europe can go shtup themselves

Ami Kaufman By Ami Kaufman December 4, 2012 | Edit

Izzie in HolyLand is back after the Europeans decide to go all the way with their response to building in E1 and… reprimand!

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Izzie: Yes Ruthie?

Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, Prime Minister David Cameron for you on line 1.

Izzie: OK.

Cameron: Ms. Holyland?

Izzie: Yes, David, how are you?

Cameron: I’m good, I’m good. Thank you.

Izzie: Mazel Tov on the baby.

Cameron: Excuse me?

Izzie: The baby, the baby! You know, Katie and Will’s?

Cameron: Ah, of course. Yes, yes. Thank you so much Ms. Holyland. If I may, I’m calling you on another topic.

Izzie: Sure, go ahead.

Cameron: I’m afraid you can’t just go and build in E1, it’s the end of the two-state solution, it means the end of the peace process basically. So, I’m going to have to ask you to retract these plans immediately.

Izzie: F-ck you.

Cameron: Excuse me?

Izzie: I said ‘F-ck you.’

Cameron: OK.

—————————————————–

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Izzie: Yes Ruthie?

Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy for you on line 1.

Izzie: OK.

Rajoy: Senora Holyland?

Izzie: Si, senor Rajoy.

Rajoy: You ken col me Mariano.

Izzie: Sure thing, Mario.

Rajoy: No, es ‘Mariano.’

Izzie: Yeah, I said that. What can I do for you?

Rajoy: Eschuchame, senora Holyland, la construccion in zona de E1 —

Izzie: —Did you just call me a ‘zona’?

Rajoy: No, I was saying that la zona E1—

Izzie: Chingate.

Rajoy: Perdon?

Izzie: I said, ‘chingate.’

Rajoy: OK.

——————————————————————–

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Izzie: Yes Ruthie?

Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, President Francois Hollande for you on line 1.

Izzie: OK.

Hollande: Madame Holyland?

Izzie: Oui, c’est moi Francois.

Hollande: Comment allez-vous?

Izzie: Bon, et vous Francois?

Hollande: Please, call me Monsieur Hollande.

Izzie: But you are from France.

Hollande: Veree funee, Madame Holyland. Zis is ze ferst time I heer zis a jock. Now, si vous plait, I must ask you to arrete ze beelding in ze E1.

Izzie: Vas te faire enculi.

Hollande: Pardon?

Izzie: I said, ‘Vas te faire enculi.’

Hollande: OK.

————————————————————-

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Izzie: Yes Ruthie?

Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, Fredrik Reinfeldt for you on line 1.

Izzie: Who?

Ruthie: The Swede.

Izzie: The guy from the Muppets?

Ruthie: No, their Prime Minister.

Izzie: OK.

Reinfeldt: Ms. Holyland?

Izzie: Fan ta dig

Reinfeldt: Excuse me?

Izzie: I said ‘Fan ta dig.’

Reinfeldt: OK.

Izzie: Now sit.

Reinfeldt: OK.

Izzie: Roll over.

Reinfeldt: OK.

Izzie: Play dead.

Reinfeldt: OK.

Izzie: Good boy.

——————————————————

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Izzie: Yes Ruthie?

Ruthie: Ms. Holyland, Helle Thorning-Schmidt for you on line 1.

Izzie: Who?

Ruthie: The Danish.

Izzie: Oh! With frosting?

Ruthie: No, she’s their prime minister.

Izzie: Oh. Then tell her ‘Knep dig selv!’

Ruthie: Excuse me?

Izzie: I said ‘Knep dig selv!’

Ruthie: OK.

Izzie: And get me Lieberman. I’m bored.

——————————————————-

(Izzie in HolyLand)

Ami Kaufman

Ami Kaufman was chief night editor for Haaretz, for the prominent Israeli financial daily Calcalist, and correspondent on Israeli affairs for 93.6 RAM FM, a joint Palestinian-Israel radio station. His interest in food and cooking led to culinary studies at the "Israeli CIA" (Tadmor, Herzliya) and a brief stint in the restaurant business. Born in Tel Aviv, Ami lives in Bat Yam with his wife and two daughters. In his spare time he blogs at Half & Half.

End of article module for Members

TEST TEST GAL Our team has been devastated by the horrific events of this latest war. The world is reeling from Israel’s unprecedented onslaught on Gaza, inflicting mass devastation and death upon besieged Palestinians, as well as the atrocious attack and kidnappings by Hamas in Israel on October 7. Our hearts are with all the people and communities facing this violence.    We are in an extraordinarily dangerous era in Israel-Palestine. The bloodshed has reached extreme levels of brutality and threatens to engulf the entire region. Emboldened settlers in the West Bank, backed by the army, are seizing the opportunity to intensify their attacks on Palestinians. The most far-right government in Israel’s history is ramping up its policing of dissent, using the cover of war to silence Palestinian citizens and left-wing Jews who object to its policies.   This escalation has a very clear context, one that +972 has spent the past 14 years covering: Israeli society’s growing racism and militarism, entrenched occupation and apartheid, and a normalized siege on Gaza.   We are well positioned to cover this perilous moment – but we need your help to do it. This terrible period will challenge the humanity of all of those working for a better future in this land. Palestinians and Israelis are already organizing and strategizing to put up the fight of their lives.   Can we count on your support? +972 Magazine is a leading media voice of this movement, a desperately needed platform where Palestinian and Israeli journalists, activists, and thinkers can report on and analyze what is happening, guided by humanism, equality, and justice. Join us.

Make a Donation