On a cold night in J’lem, Bibi and Abbas finally break the ice

By Ami Kaufman December 3, 2011 | Edit

It’s a chilly night on Gaza St. in Jerusalem, and Binyamin Netanyahu is covered by a thick TV blanket in his Lay-Z-Boy, feet up, watching reruns of M-A-S-H. He loves Klinger.

Holding a cup of Swiss Miss (with marshmallows), he feels lonely. Sara is in the States for some stupid psychologist convention on controlling child tantrums. He wished her a good trip before she left, but deep inside he hopes she doesn’t talk too much.

Fiddling with his mug, he glances at the phone on the table next to him. Should he call? It could be a good opportunity… especially with Sara away. And with the DVD that Dershowitz sent him… who knows, could be fun. Dershowitz sent him the now famous “Palestinian Chicken” episode from “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Bibi heard it was fantastic. Dershowitz recommended he not watch it alone.

He runs his fingers on top of the receiver, contemplating.

Finally, he lifts the phone and dials.

In the Muqata in Ramallah, Abu Mazen has just finished watching Pulp Fiction. He loves Travolta. The phone rings as he puts down a small plate of knafa that’s way too sweet for these hours.

Abbas: Hello?
Netanyahu: Mahmoud?
Abbas: Yes, who is this?
Netanyahu: It’s me.
Abbas: Who?
Netanyahu: Me, Bibi.
Abbas: …
Netanyahu:…
Abbas: …
Netanyahu: Mahmoud, you there?
Abbas: Yes… it’s just… it’s been a while.
Netanyahu: Yeah, I know. Ummm… surprise? Hehehe…
Abbas: Yeah, I guess so…

Abbas crashes onto the couch, trying to keep his breathing at a normal rate. Inside, his heart is pounding.

Netanyahu:…
Abbas: …
Netanyahu: So, listen… I was thinking, you know, we haven’t met in a while, so, I was thinking, you know, you wanna pop over?
Abbas: Pop over? To your place? Are you serious?
Netanyahu: Yeah, I mean, you know, why not? We can talk n’ stuff, I got some Cherry Garcia…
Abbas: But I’m not ready, and I don’t have any maps on me. I can’t remember by heart everything I’m willing to give up for you.
Netanyahu: Forget the maps, let’s just talk, you know? Actually, I got this DVD from a friend, it’s an episode from “Curb” —
Abbas: “Curb”??? Oh my God, I love Curb.
Netanyahu: See? So, come on, come over…
Abbas: …
Netanyahu:…
Abbas: … Ummm… I dunno… I dunno if this is a good idea…
Netanyahu:…
Abbas: …
Netanyahu: Sara’s away. She’s in the States.
Abbas: Oh… really?
Netanyahu: Yeah…
Abbas: Oh…
Netanyahu: ….
Abbas: Well, I mean, I could definitely go for some Curb…
Netanyahu: Great! So… is that a “yes”?
Abbas: Ummm…. OK, what the hell. I’ll be there in an hour. Or 30 minutes if you take care of the checkpoint for me.
Netanyahu: Sure, I’ll call my people now. No worries…
Abbas: OK, I’ll leave in 5.
Netanyahu: See ya soon!

The door knocks just as the microwave popcorn is ready. Bibi rushes to the door. As he opens it, Abbas shyly smiles.

Abbas: Hey…
Netanyahu: Hey! Come in, come in… sorry about the mess.
Abbas: Ah, it’s nothing. You should see the Muqata!
Netanyahu: Well, I guess we had something to do with that, right?
Abbas: Well yeah, you know. Bygones…
Netanyahu: Yeah… well… whatever… So, hey – take a seat. I’ll get the popcorn.
Abbas: Cool, thanks..

Abbas sits down on the couch. Bibi plomps down next to him, very close. They both glance at each other and quickly turn heads away, to the popcorn. Abbas looks around the room.

Abbas: So, you say you got this DVD from a friend?
Netanyahu: Yeah, yeah – Alan Dershowitz, a famous lawyer in the States.
Abbas: Wasn’t he in that Jeremy Irons flic?
Netanyahu: Yeah! Wow! I’m impressed! “Reversal of Fortune,” great movie.

Abbas turns red, blushing like a tomato.

Abbas: Cool… anyway, which episode are we watching?
Netanyahu: The “Palestinian Chicken” one.
Abbas: Oh, I think I heard about it. Yalla, I’m ready.

Netanyahu starts the episode. They both get comfy, each under their respective TV blankets. Legs touching.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Co_BhTxgWys[/youtube]

Abbas starts to giggle as he notices the name of the Palestinian restaurant

Abbas: Hey! They named it after me!!!
Netanyahu: Well of course… you’re the best Mahmoud….

Netanyahu looks at Abbas, and puts his hand on his thigh. Abbas can barely breath… he almost chokes on some popcorn.

Next, they’re into the famous sex scene. As the woman yells “You wanna fuck me me like Israel fuck my country?”, Bibi starts to rub Abbas’ thigh faster. Bibi feels the passion rising, burning in his loins

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmui1Jo-FaE[/youtube]

Abbas begins to sweat, he raises a hand to his neck and closes his eyes slowly.

And then, suddenly, Bibi can not hold himself any longer. He leans close to Abbas, and…
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TEST TEST GAL Our team has been devastated by the horrific events of this latest war. The world is reeling from Israel’s unprecedented onslaught on Gaza, inflicting mass devastation and death upon besieged Palestinians, as well as the atrocious attack and kidnappings by Hamas in Israel on October 7. Our hearts are with all the people and communities facing this violence. We are in an extraordinarily dangerous era in Israel-Palestine. The bloodshed has reached extreme levels of brutality and threatens to engulf the entire region. Emboldened settlers in the West Bank, backed by the army, are seizing the opportunity to intensify their attacks on Palestinians. The most far-right government in Israel’s history is ramping up its policing of dissent, using the cover of war to silence Palestinian citizens and left-wing Jews who object to its policies. This escalation has a very clear context, one that +972 has spent the past 14 years covering: Israeli society’s growing racism and militarism, entrenched occupation and apartheid, and a normalized siege on Gaza. We are well positioned to cover this perilous moment – but we need your help to do it. This terrible period will challenge the humanity of all of those working for a better future in this land. Palestinians and Israelis are already organizing and strategizing to put up the fight of their lives. Can we count on your support? +972 Magazine is a leading media voice of this movement, a desperately needed platform where Palestinian and Israeli journalists, activists, and thinkers can report on and analyze what is happening, guided by humanism, equality, and justice. Join us.

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